Redefining Recovery: Getting Beyond The Behaviors Of An Eating Disorder
Jenni Schaefer
“How
would you define recovery in one word?” Kelly asked.
“Free,” I answered.
Kelly is a young woman struggling with an eating disorder. She was
talking with me, because I am recovered from anorexia and bulimia. I
have been there.
“Free” means a lot more than simply freedom from destructive behaviors
with food. It means much more than just a life without bingeing,
purging, and starving. That kind of a life is really not free at all.
“Free” also means independence from the unrelenting obsessions related
to food and body image. It is a release from fear’s daily control. It
means freedom to live life to its fullest.
Recovery encompasses every facet of life. When someone truly recovers
from an eating disorder or any addiction, they get much more that just
“not bingeing,” “not drinking,” or “not using.”
When I first began therapy for my eating disorder, I thought that my
ultimate goal was to stop acting out with the negative behaviors
surrounding food. I believed that my life would be magically transformed
into something wonderful if I could just eat right. After years of hard
work in recovery --- and lots of stumbling --- I did finally begin to
“eat right.” I could not have been more wrong about eating right.
I should say that we could not have been more wrong. Other people in my
life thought that I was better when I began eating better. They said
that I looked “healthy,” and they were proud of me. I received lots of
pats on the back, and ironically, I felt more destructive than ever. I
looked healthy on the outside, but I was dying on the inside.
I had stopped using food, but not much else had changed in my life. In
fact, without my eating disorder as a coping mechanism, I felt more lost
and crazier than ever. I even started thinking about engaging in other
addictive behaviors --- ones that had never crossed my mind before.
I asked myself, “If I can’t turn to food anymore, then what can I turn
to?”
Switching addictions is not better. I almost switched. Thinking about
food all of the time is not better. I thought about food twenty-four
hours a day. Feeling constant despair, anger, and anxiety is not better.
I felt all of these things. I was not better.
I could have easily been compared to a dry drunk. I had heard in Twelve
Step meetings that a dry drunk is someone who has stopped drinking, but
who still demonstrates the same alcoholic behaviors and attitudes. I was
still engaging in the same thought processes of my eating disorder.
Similar to the dry drunk state, these thought patterns eventually led to
relapses back into eating disordered behaviors --- even more intensive
and harmful. Although these behaviors seemed worse than ever, they no
longer produced the same soothing, calming effect as previously.
I began to think, “Why did I fight so hard for this?”
Then I realized that I needed to keep fighting. My journey was not over.
I had worked hard and learned a lot, but I needed to keep working. I
needed to wrestle with my inner demons. I needed to connect with my
higher power. Because recovery is not only physical, but it is also
emotional, mental, and spiritual. It is about functioning in society and
quality of life.
So I dove headfirst into therapy. I explored my spirituality. And I
learned coping skills that helped me deal with life on life’s terms in
healthy ways. I practiced experiencing my emotions (instead of stuffing
or starving them) and realized that feelings do pass in time. I combined
self-compassion with genuine self-care to discover self-acceptance. I
fell down lots on my journey to this acceptance, but I trusted my
support team of friends, family members, and professionals to help me
get back up each time. I trusted myself.
Recovery is about uncovering passions and learning to have fun. It is
being able to sit still and live in one’s body. Recovery is about
seeking balance, having a voice, and letting go of perfection. It is
letting go of the fear of judgment from others. And it is much more.
Recovery is more than a standardized textbook definition or some
insurance company’s criteria. It encompasses all areas of life and is
personal to each individual.
Kelly asked me how I would define recovery in one word.
“Free,” I answered.
I am free.
****
Jenni Schaefer is a singer/songwriter, speaker, and the author of
Life Without Ed: How One Woman Declared Independence from Her Eating
Disorder and How You Can Too (McGraw-Hill). She is a consultant and
spokesperson with Center for Change in Orem, Utah. For more information,
visit
www.jennischaefer.com or email
jenni@jennischaefer.com.
