True
recovery from my eating disorder meant saying no thanks to “All
work, no play.” Our world celebrates work, constant activity, and
being productive. We tend to ignore and even look down upon renewal,
recovery, and play. I used to feel unbearably guilty if I were not
working. While occasionally relaxing or having fun, I would think to
myself, “I should be doing something productive.” The guilt was
often so unbearable that I would stop whatever I was doing that
seemed unproductive and would get back to work. Of course, when I
worked in this way, I was stressed out, lacked passion, and was
actually less productive.
I had heard person after person and book after book say that I
needed more recovery time in my life, but I did not buy it. (I
bought the books, but I did not believe the ideas.) I thought this
whole concept of giving yourself a break and taking time to play was
just an excuse to be lazy. And laziness meant I would be
unsuccessful. And I wanted to be successful. No, I wanted to be
perfect. Giving myself time to enjoy life would not be productive.
I remember when it all started. I remember when I became obsessed
with work --- Texas State History class, seventh grade, back row
seat. My classmates and I were required to memorize the state
capitols. We were quizzed each week, and the voice of perfectionism
in my head told me that I could not miss one question. (In therapy,
I later named this voice, Ms. Perfectionist.) While I did not miss
one question, Ms. Perfectionist did not miss this opportunity to get
a real hold on my life. Workaholism began. I could no longer just
be, but I had to do, do, and always do more.
"True recovery from my
eating disorder meant
saying no thanks to 'All work, no play.'
Our world celebrates work, constant activity,
and being productive. We tend to ignore and even look down
upon renewal, recovery, and play."
By the time I graduated high school at the top of my class and
entered college, Ms. Perfectionist was running my life. And my
eating disorder, which I named Ed (acronym for “eating disorder”),
was her partner in crime. I took pride in eating and sleeping less
and studying more than other students. I did not take much pride in
my secret binges in the dorm or nearby fast-food restaurants.
Despite my destructive behaviors with food, my obsessive studying in
college earned me an acceptance to medical school. Ironically, the
same hard work pushed me to burn out at the age of 22-years-old, and
I was forced to turn down my medical school acceptance. I knew that
my attitude toward work and my behaviors toward food would work
together to kill me if I pursued an intense path in medicine.
Even though I knew that something was wrong --- very wrong --- my
relentless work ethic continued. This abusive work ethic, which was
anything but ethical in terms of how I was treating myself, beat me
into the ground in whatever I pursued --- even my deepest passions
of music and writing. My behaviors with work stifled my creativity,
my voice, and continued to fuel my eating disorder more and more.
When I just could not work any longer, Ed would jump in with instant
stress relief. His type of relief was a quick-fix that ultimately
left me feeling depressed and more stressed out than before.
My therapist encouraged me to find other ways to relieve my stress.
He even gave me homework assignments for learning how to have fun. I
was actually assigned to watch the television show, “Friends,” each
week. I had always bragged about the fact that I never wasted my
time watching television, and now I was assigned to do it. At that
point, watching television was neither fun nor relaxing. It felt
weird. I have since learned that feeling weird can be a sign that I
am making forward progress in my life.
I discovered that watching TV was not a waste of time but was
actually quite beneficial. I was also assigned to go out for coffee
with friends and to watch movies. I even had to read a fiction book
just for pleasure. I turned the pages of the book in agony believing
that I was not being productive. By the last chapter, I realized
that the book might just have represented the most productive
reading I had done in a long time.
Today I am in the middle of reading a new fiction book. I am also
reading a couple of nonfiction books. I walked along the beach
earlier today with a friend, and now I am working (writing) in this
coffee shop. I plan on having dinner with friends tonight, but I
will go to bed early to get ready for a speaking engagement
tomorrow. I am doing my best to balance work and play. My work is
much better for it, and I am a happier person. (Ed and Ms.
Perfectionist are definitely not too happy about it all.)
****
About The Author:
Jenni Schaefer is a singer/songwriter, speaker, and the author of
Life Without Ed: How One Woman Declared Independence from Her Eating
Disorder and How You Can Too (McGraw-Hill). She is a consultant with
Center For Change in Orem, UT. For more information, visit
www.jennischaefer.com or email
jenni@jennischaefer.com.
